About 6 days off PICC

It is like being human again, not having to confront dead batteries that stop the CADD pump from pouring sugar water into my heart area. Make sure the refrigerator is stocked with supplies. Blood clot? Activase to fix. Catheter pulled out accidentally. Catheter stuck on a chair, pulling me back like the boing of backfire. Stand up and find my bag and my tubing. Not there? Check the other side....but I turn around now, and there is n o   b   a   g  . It is only an empty spot behind me know, and I inwardly smile at being able to live without being tied to an iv.

I see struggles, strangulations, gossip, and ill-feelings that were directed toward me, and there are a handful of people who would probably like to have heard that I died from the car accident years ago. Seriously. I can not help what I think about, but I can write down my thoughts.

I used to think I had a dark cloud above me, like adversity and immoral activities followed me wherever I went. As if I was constantly being tested, constantly failing, and constantly asking for forgiveness. But now I know that God is using me to give hope to others. People with arthritis, with hypertension, cholesterol or a cancer such as breast or prostate. Girls that get pregnant and decide not to abort the baby. Adoption and love for little children who can be a blessing from God. 

First I was left to be Mother to my siblings. While still in my early teens, I made 35 sandwiches a weekend so that everyone would have a lunch sandwich ready to eat when it thawed out at school. When I was 16, stupidly I ran away virtually every weekend. Got married at 18, had a baby by 19, and tried to be pre-med in college. Tried to cry through my tears, tired so that I would go to the library to study and instead, I slept there. Had a miscarriage wherein I lost a lot of blood and my ex-husband had disavowed to care for or support the baby, anyway. Divorced in medical school, devastated and lost after being abandoned in medical school, assaulted by a patient in Internship, and just did the best that I could. Good thing that my Dad taught me how to see the roses. And many thanks to the people who helped me along the way. You know who you are. 

Very very much fatigue over the last few days. Did I do too much? Did I do too little? God is in charge of my life and with the Holy Spirit as my guide, I have recovered from a cluster of rare syndromes such that I am no longer bed  bound and on an iv 24/7. We do orthostatics now, to tabulate the autonomic nervous system and whether there has been any neuroplasticity. I still feel extreme thirst and dry mouth, and am deciding on balancing efforts for one good: to figure out my fluid retention/production balance is daily. I think that is all this boils down to. Keep drinking X amount of fluid; urinate XXX amount of urine, and I'm up all night drinking the rest of the water. Now is time to sleep. May God bless you and lead you to do something with us. Tomorrow, I will tell you more. Goodnight.

Gotta sleep. Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of Creation.