Wednesday, May 18, 2009

Too tired to mention much. My faith in humanity was restored once again today. The 'movement' has begun. Please pray with me and help me to gain physical strength. My head hurts like a pin is stuck in it. My retroorbital area (i.e., behind the eyes) bounded and bounded until I thought I was going to scream. Then there was  not enough blood going to my brain, and I had an increase in the severity of my 'head rush'. It required that I leaned over with my head to my knees, in order to get blood to my brain. Nausea quickly ensued, and I could not brush my teeth. Gag reflex increased,  so that suddenly my stomach would wretch and wretch whilst spasms of gut pain ensued. 

I sang, "Holy, Holy, Holy" as loud as I could, and I vowed once again, not to let my disease take over my life. I sat in silence. Listening for God's  voice. He confirmed His presence in our lives again today, and we are growing stronger in the Faith that God is in Charge.

My big epiphany: 1. Praise the Lord through all of your troubles, and take control of your body and mind. Give everything to God. 2. Dedicate your suffering unto Christ our Lord, who suffered for us all, and who we can only touch a smidge of suffering together with Him.

Once I offered my sufferings to the Sufferings of Christ, and Praised God in this light, my Faith burst like a flower seed. Whatever else, I learned the last two major steps to adversity and overcoming: dedication of my sufferings, and Highest Personal Praises to God.

Sunday, May 23, 2009

Today is a day to remember. 

I woke up late, then sat at our Master bedroom leaded glass window seat. The birds were singing, the air flowed through the windows and it was pleasant to feel a whisp of wind without having to actually be outside. My sun poisoning from the previous days was still wiping me out a little, and my chest rash became larger and then smaller. But all of that does not matter. I made it out to the local State Park and walked a little. The special part of it is that I walked with the little one and her first grade class. I went on my first Field Trip, thanks be to the Lord Jesus Christ. It was so worth it, to see the gleaming eyes of my daughter and have a few of her friends look at me gracefully. Like they were happy to see me. Especially off of my PICC line. I still drink liter after liter of non-free water, as if the iv was still in and my body depends on the hypervolemia to perfuse my head and allow my pituitary gland to be allowed blood and oxygen.

This morning, I blasted, "Holy, Holy, Holy" and "How Great Thou Art" out the Master windows. I lifted my eyes and my hands to the Lord, in pure praise of being alive and serving Him yet another day. What an honor, to live another day. To try to tell you quickly (in case there is no tomorrow) and concisely how the Glory of God has filled my soul.

I so do want to give back to you. Something that may help someone else another day. Here, I will describe the basilar-type migraine they have given me as a diagnosis. First, the retroorbital area (behind the eye) feels sharp twangs of pain. Hyperacousis worsens, leaving me paralyzed for a few seconds before I can comprehend what is going on next. Pounding in my right temple, along the termporal artery....if I lay my fingers gently on my skin, I can palpate every cm of artery and each bounding echo as my heart beats. If I can just relax my facial and neck muscles. If I can just sit up without getting a massive headrush. If I can just stand up and walk away from my chair. Instead, I bend over to keep blood to my head. It looks like I could touch my toes at the same time.

But how Great God is. In everything, I give him Praise. I am covered by the blood of Jesus and pour his blood of protection over my body. Like water out of a bucket. This morning, during my praise time, I had tears streaming down my eyes for the lives of my children. For my wonderful husband. For Sofia, the Nanny-turned Home Manager who is the second mother of my girl. For my wonderful son, whose pain I give up daily as an offering to God, and the hopes that he lives out some of his dreams.

I have to close my eyes to type. The eyeballs are simply getting too dry, and I do not want to dry out my eyeballs. So I close my etes and type at a snail's pace. I could not leave this day without telling you that again, I gave myself up to God as His Vessel, His Servant, His Follower and His Believer. I dedicated my sufferings to Jesus, our Lord. 

I told God that I did not want anything from Him. That I threw myself at His Mercy and continue to live in it. I thought I had already done this when I was Saved. But I find myself dying to myself daily, surrendering myself to the Lord daily.

"In every situation, I Praise God for His love. The spoken words have creative building powers, much as God said, "Let there be light". My strength is in Jesus. My hope is in Jesus. My trust is in Jesus, and I will work to heighten us youngsters on growing up and becoming Elderly. It is a different world when you no longer drive, when you spend most of your gas money on doctor visits, physical therapy, and/or picking up pharmacy prescriptions. Thank you God for another day. Thank you also for tomorrow, that intangible miracle that happens every day.