Realizing more and more each day, how I am still in shock about my miraculous recovery. People tell me I have an aura and I feel as if the Glory of God is radiating from inside my heart to the periphery around my body. Each day, God shows Himself in our lives. "Coincidence" occasions line up daily, as if God has taken a huge turn and my relationship with Him is irreversible and gaining strength.
A couple days ago, we had an incident wherein Mother called in right when my child was screaming in pain. Here I'm trying to reassure the screaming child, Mother is screaming on speaker-phone so that the granddaughter overhears Grandma yelling at us. My Personal Assistant(a) and I are laughing so hard as we watch the glow on our child's face. She is glowing because she hears Grandma screaming to me and the Assistant, with great passion for the child and great impatience with us. She sees that Grandma is 'on her side' and a sparkle comes to her eyes. A sparkle of a firework sinks in: someone cares about me so much that she will yell and fight for the child How wonderful it makes my child feel, and how much of a boost of ego she will have just knowing that someone cared enough to advocate for a helpless child.
I have redefined what it is to have a traumatic brain injury (TBI), because I know the neuroanatomy and the neurophysiology of TBI. Because previously, my brain was so high-functioning, now I know how to describe how 'differently' if thinks now. After the accident. After learning how to start talking about a subject, 'derail' for a moment, and then getting back on track. I feel as if I do this much more often than usual. Perhaps the better I get, the more sensory input my body feels.
I am still in shock. I'm still on 23 or so medicines/day, remain orthostatic and lightheaded when I stand up. My PICC line is still in, but is getting itchy at the insertion site to the skin surface.
Off to try to sleep. Soilent Green. Alternative School, running away from home. I feel as if I just woke up from a coma, and am realizing who I am. Perhaps this happens to everyone who has undergone a head injury. My worst day was when I was sitting around a table of brain-injured people at a group meeting, and I was sitting in one of the chairs around the table. I was one of them. I'm supposed to be the one standing up, teaching this class. Sadder still, I actually learned some guidelines that have helped in practical life. I could not believe that I was now one of them and the enormity of it all was not fair. Someone should have provided counsel to me beforehand, explaining to me what the group meeting was about and how I would feel.
PTSD? Yes. Overwhelmed, in disbelief, and shaking my head side to side in disbelief. I knew that I was really, really, smart, especially after completing my USC, Stanford, and University of Pennsylvania stints in time. It was the most sorry that I have ever felt for myself, this realization and epiphany that I was now status post brain injury. Good thing I started out really, really smart. I believe the neuroplasticity of the brain will recement a new line of communication, neuron by neuron.
God is so good. Last night, we asked a store to remain opened for us a little after closing, and the man awaited our arrival. In short, he grew up in a family of Pastors, and this store owner grabbed my hand over the counter, and started praying and crying at the same time. Praise to the Lord, as God was able to send out the message that I am a miracle. I fall to the floor in great thanks and humbleness as to why God chose this Path for my life. It is as He chooses this Path, the most blessed adventure in retrospect. My Path is still being formed, as is yours. I just started with a statue of the crucification of Jesus in second grade, dedicated my life to God, had my father praying over his children daily, and lastly, I give my sufferings to God, as a token for the pain that Our Saviour underwent for me and for you. It is truly an awesome thing.
Off to sleep. Have to check the medical stability of a relative, speak to another person's doctor, and get a feel for whether or not this relative will die soon, or not. My Blessed Aunt, whom I used to wish was my mother.
Highest Personal Regards.
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