I have to listen to my body, otherwise it will become weak and frail. Having been bed-ridden for ?3 years, my body will bring me down to the ground one way or another. So far, no fainting for me. Although I've been close and seen the world spin around me. If I just squat (reminds me of 'blue baby syndrome' or Tetrology of Fallot), increased cerebral perfusion is 'felt' by me.
What does it feel like to be on the verge of passing out with changes in my body's position? Like I'd better know what is going on with my body, and that it gives me pre-warnings, warnings, and then warnings that I listen to. "Sit down" I say to myself. Buying planting flowers from my favorite nursery has given me incentive to garden again.
Alas, my brain is ahead of my body and my body is severely limited. I am constantly "on guard" for a feeling of blood draining out of my face. People say my face is the door to my body. As my eyes get black underneath, invariably I am so, so, so tired and apparently my face looks pale, with blackness under my eyes and a desperate need to sit down or lay down now. Before I find myself with scintillating scotomata as I pick my head up off the floor. We do not like this feeling, and we do our best to avoid it entirely.
It is kind of eerie that if I feel fine, my face turns pink. It's just like being see-through or having a constant thermometer on my forehead. You know how I feel by the pallor of my face.
Since I take a nap every day, and have done so my doctors started asking me questions today. Some of my doctors think it is a good idea to perhaps 'wake me up' with a pill in the afternoon. Cardiac side effects are similar to drinking too much caffeine, and it really bothers me to go on another pill. What should I do? The proper thing to do is to listen to my cardiologist, since he has been a literal life-saver for me. I'll see him in a handful of days. I am hoping that he will decide that my PICC line can come out. I have to wait until Monday, so that my cardiologist's opinion will determine my outcome. He knows that I am a fighter, so perhaps God will bestow another blessing and allow my condition to accelerate its repair.
My son is more like my son now, when it seems ironic to all of a sudden miss being with him. I look at his sister every day, and I remember being so broke in medical school that I drove an ice cream truck, and I cleaned toilets for a law office. We have been through our own special struggles and our own unique pains, and I am grateful that he has a good, good heart.
Go out and dance, if you can. Travel. Run with the smell of the morning's fresh dew on the grass. If you are healthy, use your body. Think of me and how I can not stay out of bed for one whole regular day of my life. My energy is sapped, and now I will sleep what seems to be an unending void of sleeplessness.
I thank the Lord for all His goodness. If this is the best physical condition I can attain, then I will be happy for small trips, for remembering my music of the 70's, and I will even get my beauty rest daily. I can live like this, if this is the 'best' that the doctors can do. I am so grateful to be alive, to have lived on the pump and iv catheter for years. And, hopefully, to get this PICC line taken out of my arm and my chest. First thing I'm going to do? Jump in our pool, and start using the lap lane we created for the pool.
BTW, my sun poisoning condition is much better. My lips and surrounding skin folds are no longer turning tingly and red, peeling after two days. My lips feel like normal, except when I get thirsty and my mouth is dry. Glory to God in the highest, who has bestowed a medical miracle upon me, and who has allowed my children to get to know me.
I wish you all of God's speed in turning to Him for a relationship of love and acceptance. Do I care what any of you think about how my writing is? I am too old for that, and too wise besides. My role is to have fun telling you about our daily lives here, so you can appreciate your ability to drive, to take the bus, or to go for a walk. Of course I miss walks in the mountains, silly. Anybody would. But I take that energy, close my eyes, and play it safe. I would not want to be guilty of sitting in the garage with mound after mounds of popcorn on my shirt. I need to give people help, and if I am boxed in a corner, I will strive for one thing: survival.
Highest Personal Regards,
Margaret A. Ferrante, M.D.
Board Certified Anesthesiology
Board Certified, Subspecialty Critical Care
Board Certified, Forensic Medicine
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