Wednesday evening, May 11, 2009

I finally fell into a deep sleep this afternoon, thanks to someone else.  Perhaps 4 or 5 issues were before me, and I was not certain as to the solutions to the various problems. It had memories of a previous hospitalization that did bring me rage that I did not know I still had. Rage that this doctor did not believe in me, did not think I was serious about my symptoms. I confronted it, followed the rage to its origin, and was led to let go of the potential and natural self-destruction that could come if I internalized the rage. I was made to see this with great clarity, and it was an epiphany of grand proportions to me. Just gotta let things go. Can't change the world, can't change a mean person. Just pray for those who seemingly oppose you, that is what Jesus Christ taught. When was the last time I prayed for someone that I disliked and/or had no love for? It is a personal question, one to ask yourself and not one for me to tell you my answer.

I usually have more trouble sleeping at night than is usual. Sometimes gets to me, especially if I did not have a good night of sleep and I am trying to take a nap. Taking a nap can then become a problem, and I have found that this un-sleep pattern comes and goes in spurts of three or four days at a time. Too tired to take a nap, too tired to wake up when I am supposed to....although one could say that theoretically I do not need to wake up in the morning to care for our daughter and I could just sleep in every day. There were many days like this before pre-school, days where I was a stay at home mom with no one's schedule to follow but my own. Then came real life, and real life does not care if you are disabled.

There are not enough parking spots, enough short lengths between the car and the arrival zone. I believe that when we visited Orlando in the past, it was noted by me for a special reason. It seemed to be 'disability friendly'. Wheelchairs fit everywhere. Ladies with their baby strollers do, too. Does anyone think about going all around the place and showing establishments how they can improve things for the disabled? There must be a certain amount of disabled who suffer or die from being too far away from everything, with fatigue being the usual measurement. Bedridden is on one end, and you spend very much time there. I thought I would be dealing with these issues in my 70's, not my 40's. 

The pool was warm as a bath, so I walked into it with my pajamas on. We had a PICC line Removal Pool Party, BBQ, and I think I did  4 laps with much effort. When I could feel heart palpitations, my face apparently turned white. My caregiver promptly pulled me out of the water and I willingly followed her advice. My head was not getting enough blood. Blood to the brain is a very good thing.

Off to sleep. Thank the Lord God for another day, another day. May He be praised in all that you do. I went to the same place earlier, at naptime, as I was last night in my dreams. Maybe my dreams will be different, though. I am lucky to be here, to breathe and to sleep without an iv tubing machine and its hum drum, drip, drop every few seconds. I'll take my bottle of water solution (i.e. not free water, or I would have to worry about hyponatremia, low blood sodium) and keep drinking bottle after bottle after bottle after bottle. I can not complain. God is taking me somewhere, but I do not know when. He is taking you somewhere, too, and you have to take notice of what God is doing in your life. Give Him the credit in your praises, and notice that God already is talking to you. It is whether you listen and then act, that God cares about. He desires that you come to know Him as your heavenly Father. One who loves and cares. One who suffers with our sufferings. Let us see what God brings us tomorrow: He is constantly making Himself known to us. Please pray that my re-growth of neurons, or the opening of single capillaries continues such that God continues to lead me to you, to have you listen to me and act on your faith. Goodnight.